I experienced guilt of huge proportions. Anger, loss of faith, loneliness, bitterness, sheer agony, helplessness. I can’t even explain all the places my mind went trying to grasp what happened to our family. I am really proud of how far I have come and what I’ve been able to accomplish despite my overwhelming, unimaginable loss. But here’s the thing– my brain is still protecting me. And I am torn. On the one hand, I have truly made major strides. I’ve learned to live again, be a mom, a wife, a doctor. I’ve learned to be a friend. I regained some passion for what is important to me in my life. I’ve reconnected with God, who never gave up on me. But… I’ve lost so much in the process. I’ve lost Cameron, that goes without saying and yet I must say it. But I have lost the thing that made me, well, me. I’m not sensitive. I rarely cry. I don’t emotionally attach to situations, stories, people. I am blocked. In my head I can be mad, happy, frustrated, please, infuriated. But in my heart I am still numb. I don’t feel thinks– I just think them.

So what is so wrong with that? Nothing, in some ways. I mean, it is easier to just be able to hear or see something horrible and think, “That’s terrible” and then be over it. I don’t take my patient’s problems home with me. I don’t worry and worry about things the way I used to. But, I feel empty. I feel less than whole. And I cannot experience Cameron the way I want to, the way she deserves. And I know it is just because it would hurt too much. I appreciate what my brain is trying to do for me. But, God, I miss Cameron. Not just her being here, but what she meant to me. She was my first born, the baby I worked so hard to conceive. The sweetest and cutest and smartest little jewel of my heart. How can I survive her? What kind of mother am I to be able to go on as if it is okay that she is gone? How do I keep her real, her name and spirit alive, when my brain works overtime to let me forget?

So maybe when I go on this 3 day- 60 mile walk, I will learn to feel again. I will be able to honor her life and feel her presence with me. I hope to have a truly emotional and religious experience. I hope to feel alive and know that she is with me, every step of the way!!!

Thank you for collecting books for Cameron’s Amazing Book Club during your birthday party.  It is so generous of you at age 6 to collect books instead of presents.  You will make some other children very happy and I know your parents are proud!

Thank you!

The Bobbitt Family

1. Christ-Way Community Services in Marion, AR

2. Center for Children (ACH) Lowell, AR

3. Holly Street Daycare in Nashville, TN (by request)

4. Potter’s Clay Crisis Shelter for Women and Children in Hot Springs, AR

5. Children’s Emergency Shelter in Fort Smith, AR

6. Safe Place, Morrilton, AR

Derrick is very diligent about sending these out on a regular basis and I cannot keep up with him!  He takes a lot of pride in distributing these books to needy children in memory of our precious baby girl!

Thanks to Anna, Sophie, Riley, Emma, and Andres for helping remember Cameron on your birthday!  It really means a lot to our family and your books will make a difference in children’s lives.  Keep up the great work!

Do you know the song, “I Can Only Imagine”? It is a praise song about making it to Heaven and how great it will be to see God. It asks the question “Will I dance for you Jesus? Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence? Or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?” It is an awesome song. I would hear it and just be mad. All I wanted to do was question God. And I didn’t want to think that the moment I died, my anger would be gone and I was just be in awe of God. I owned my anger. How could I be expected to give it up?

I went to church regularly. I cried, feeling as if I was in a separate place from the other worshipers there. Our associate pastor would say “God is Good.” The congregation would reply “All the time.” Jaimie would say “All the time…” and the response was “God is Good.” I’ll be honest, I couldn’t say if for the longest time. If God is good, how could He do this to me? What an emotional and spiritual struggle I was experiencing!

But I never gave up hope, the hope that one day I would be reunited. Reunited with Cameron. Reunited with my faith. Reunited with the person I once was– the Christian believer who knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. All the time.” God surrounded me with Christian friends and family. I know this to be true. Everywhere I went, there were loving and faithful followers around me. And they believed in me. They understood my questioning because they forced themselves to consider my predicament. And they couldn’t blame me for feeling the way I did. They were loved ones, parents themselves. Thankful for their own children’s safety. Praying for God to protect their families. And for God to heal my heart.

And gradually, without any fanfare, the presence God began to come back to me. I regained my sense of salvation, God being back in my heart. My feet were planted back on the ground. And I realized, as the poem Footsteps relates, that God hadn’t abandoned me. He had, in fact, carried me. Even when I didn’t feel Him with me, He was there supporting me more than ever.

The fact that I am witnessing right now is no less than a small miracle. I say this because I am still here. I am still here on this earth, living this Christian life, making a small difference in the lives of others every day. I did this before, but now I do it despite my loss and my pain. It is so much harder to believe in the grace and goodness of God when you have been through absolute devastation. I have, and I still do. I promise you, I loved my Cameron as much if not more that any mother has ever loved her child. I adored her in a way that is beyond explanation. I lost her. And I have survived anyway. That is my miracle. Thanks be to God.

I remember holding Cameron that same way.  It is hard to remember the good times for the trauma that we suffered.  But to have held her for a little while, well that was a blessing.  I pray that I’ll never forget the gift.  I don’t want to confuse the journey for the destination.  It is true that we all have the same destination.  So it is only in living the day to day that we get to make a difference along the way.

My angel in Heaven, look down on me.  Keep me and dad and your sisters safe.  We miss you so much, baby girl.  But where you are now no pain can ever come to you.  Good Night, sweet heart.

On day two we made stops to Cameron’s old Mother’s Day Out and Kindergarten.  The ladies at MDO were so glad to see us.  They were amazed at how Kennedy and Brooklynn had grown.  It was the first time they got to see Carington.  At Frink, we visited the Cameron Bobbitt Trail of Life.  It is a full walking track with a beautiful bench area.  The bench has Cameron’s name on it, and it is located in a heart-shaped rock garden.  The stepping stone I made last year looks great, and I left behind an angel-shaped plaque with the footprints poem on it.  We got to see Cameron and Kennedy’s teachers, librarian, and principal.

On our way out of town, we stopped by the clinic where I worked to check out Cameron’s tree.  It is another memorial area, and it looks just beautiful.  The tulip tree is thriving in a well maintained bed with her plaque and angel.  We left behind a cross.

We cherish all the people of McAlester who never forget us or let us feel unloved.  What a wonderful and supportive community!  We will always be connected to you.