I am so thankful for the loving friends and family God has given me. I am surrounded with support and people keep reminding me that I am loved. It helps, it really does.

I want to say a special thanks to JAB. You are always there for me and I can talk to you so easily. You have become like a real sister to me, and I have come to count on you. Know that I love you and appreciate you.
Also, Mom– you are awesome. I have the best mother ever and I love you so much. Thanks for all you have ever done and continue to do for me, for us. Cameron knew she had the best gr-Ann ma!!!!

I just want to remind you mamas to hold your babies. They don’t stay little long enough. Tonight I cradled my 22 month old in my arms and watched her fall asleep. We sat in front of the Hope Tree. She is my little Carington Hope– proof that life goes on after tragedy.

I met some new friends on my 3 day, 60 mile walk in Dallas.  Pam Dewey actually works for Hit Home Entertainment.  They own Barney!!  She sent me a box of about 70 Barney books as well as some beautiful Angelina Ballerina book marks.  I am already putting them to good use at the clinic and Derrick has mailed some shipments to some shelters.

I also received a box of books from some old friends– Greg and Amy Whorton from Hot Springs.  Their book club collected books for us.  We got some really great ones– chapter books that can be for older kids.

Our latest donations have gone out to Cherished Heart Beat in Heber Springs, River Valley Shelter for Battered Women and Children,  and Children’s Emergency Shelter– Fort Smith.  I have also taken a replenishment to the Children’s Clinic at Willow Creek.  I have moved to a new building and needed some new books for my patients.  If anyone ever runs across books in Spanish, I would love to have some.  Gracias!!

I just went back and reviewed the list of all the donors to Cameron’s Memorial Fund over the past year.  What a blessing!  I am so thankful that we have friends and family who love us and want to help us remember Cameron.  Please know that I do appreciate each and every donation.  I sometimes forget to post on the blog the details about each gift.  But I know of your generosity and am truly thankful. 

It is so easy to get bogged down in the daily grind.  I know that I, for one, am tired and busy.  I forget to slow down and appreciate people and gifts from above.  I am thankful for hope.  Hope has saved me from myself.  It has never allowed me to get too low.  No matter how sad or angry I have ever been, I have always had a glimmer of hope.  I pray the same is true for you.  Merry Christmas to everyone.  You are loved.

Susan

One of the things that happens to a person when she experiences a trauma is that her brain alters itself in order to allow her to survive the trauma. For the first 4-5 weeks after Cameron’s accident, the scene constantly replayed in my head. I would see it over and over again like I was watching a movie. I finally went to therapy because I knew I couldn’t bear to keep watching it play out, unable to change the outcome. After a few weeks of therapy, the movie was turned off– but other things took its place.

I experienced guilt of huge proportions. Anger, loss of faith, loneliness, bitterness, sheer agony, helplessness. I can’t even explain all the places my mind went trying to grasp what happened to our family. I am really proud of how far I have come and what I’ve been able to accomplish despite my overwhelming, unimaginable loss. But here’s the thing– my brain is still protecting me. And I am torn. On the one hand, I have truly made major strides. I’ve learned to live again, be a mom, a wife, a doctor. I’ve learned to be a friend. I regained some passion for what is important to me in my life. I’ve reconnected with God, who never gave up on me. But… I’ve lost so much in the process. I’ve lost Cameron, that goes without saying and yet I must say it. But I have lost the thing that made me, well, me. I’m not sensitive. I rarely cry. I don’t emotionally attach to situations, stories, people. I am blocked. In my head I can be mad, happy, frustrated, please, infuriated. But in my heart I am still numb. I don’t feel thinks– I just think them.

So what is so wrong with that? Nothing, in some ways. I mean, it is easier to just be able to hear or see something horrible and think, “That’s terrible” and then be over it. I don’t take my patient’s problems home with me. I don’t worry and worry about things the way I used to. But, I feel empty. I feel less than whole. And I cannot experience Cameron the way I want to, the way she deserves. And I know it is just because it would hurt too much. I appreciate what my brain is trying to do for me. But, God, I miss Cameron. Not just her being here, but what she meant to me. She was my first born, the baby I worked so hard to conceive. The sweetest and cutest and smartest little jewel of my heart. How can I survive her? What kind of mother am I to be able to go on as if it is okay that she is gone? How do I keep her real, her name and spirit alive, when my brain works overtime to let me forget?

So maybe when I go on this 3 day- 60 mile walk, I will learn to feel again. I will be able to honor her life and feel her presence with me. I hope to have a truly emotional and religious experience. I hope to feel alive and know that she is with me, every step of the way!!!

Dear Adam Hix:

Thank you for collecting books for Cameron’s Amazing Book Club during your birthday party.  It is so generous of you at age 6 to collect books instead of presents.  You will make some other children very happy and I know your parents are proud!

Thank you!

The Bobbitt Family

Thanks to Gavin who collected books for us at his 6th birthday party.  These books are being donated to Happy Hollow Elementary School in Fayetteville at Gavin’s request.  The books you collected are really beautiful– my kids checked them out before we sent them.  Hope your schoolmates enjoy them.  Cameron is smiling down on you from Heaven!

Just wanted to update you on some recent donations made from our book club.  Children at the following locations have received books from us:

1. Christ-Way Community Services in Marion, AR

2. Center for Children (ACH) Lowell, AR

3. Holly Street Daycare in Nashville, TN (by request)

4. Potter’s Clay Crisis Shelter for Women and Children in Hot Springs, AR

5. Children’s Emergency Shelter in Fort Smith, AR

6. Safe Place, Morrilton, AR

Derrick is very diligent about sending these out on a regular basis and I cannot keep up with him!  He takes a lot of pride in distributing these books to needy children in memory of our precious baby girl!

We have been so blessed that several children have decided to collect books for the book club at their birthday parties!  This is such a great way for the kids to get involved and learn the joy of giving.  I know they love helping pick out books they have read or would like to read.  We have received some really beautiful books lately!

Thanks to Anna, Sophie, Riley, Emma, and Andres for helping remember Cameron on your birthday!  It really means a lot to our family and your books will make a difference in children’s lives.  Keep up the great work!

I want to share my faith with you. I have really struggled over the past 2 1/2 years in trying to figure out my faith. I have since realized that faith is not something in my head, but in my heart. Therefore I don’t have to understand it. I just have to feel it. When Cameron died, I felt abandoned by God. I couldn’t believe that He would do that to me. I had tried so hard to be good, to have the right type of relationship with God/ my family/ my community. And yet the unthinkable had happened– to me! The only emotion I could really muster toward God was anger.

Do you know the song, “I Can Only Imagine”? It is a praise song about making it to Heaven and how great it will be to see God. It asks the question “Will I dance for you Jesus? Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence? Or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?” It is an awesome song. I would hear it and just be mad. All I wanted to do was question God. And I didn’t want to think that the moment I died, my anger would be gone and I was just be in awe of God. I owned my anger. How could I be expected to give it up?

I went to church regularly. I cried, feeling as if I was in a separate place from the other worshipers there. Our associate pastor would say “God is Good.” The congregation would reply “All the time.” Jaimie would say “All the time…” and the response was “God is Good.” I’ll be honest, I couldn’t say if for the longest time. If God is good, how could He do this to me? What an emotional and spiritual struggle I was experiencing!

But I never gave up hope, the hope that one day I would be reunited. Reunited with Cameron. Reunited with my faith. Reunited with the person I once was– the Christian believer who knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. All the time.” God surrounded me with Christian friends and family. I know this to be true. Everywhere I went, there were loving and faithful followers around me. And they believed in me. They understood my questioning because they forced themselves to consider my predicament. And they couldn’t blame me for feeling the way I did. They were loved ones, parents themselves. Thankful for their own children’s safety. Praying for God to protect their families. And for God to heal my heart.

And gradually, without any fanfare, the presence God began to come back to me. I regained my sense of salvation, God being back in my heart. My feet were planted back on the ground. And I realized, as the poem Footsteps relates, that God hadn’t abandoned me. He had, in fact, carried me. Even when I didn’t feel Him with me, He was there supporting me more than ever.

The fact that I am witnessing right now is no less than a small miracle. I say this because I am still here. I am still here on this earth, living this Christian life, making a small difference in the lives of others every day. I did this before, but now I do it despite my loss and my pain. It is so much harder to believe in the grace and goodness of God when you have been through absolute devastation. I have, and I still do. I promise you, I loved my Cameron as much if not more that any mother has ever loved her child. I adored her in a way that is beyond explanation. I lost her. And I have survived anyway. That is my miracle. Thanks be to God.