When we lived in Oklahoma, we had this big beautiful yard.  It was probably the most spectacular yard in the whole town of McAlester.  You turned down this dead end road off a neighborhood street and suddenly, you were in our driveway.  We were up on a lot above the city.  Our view looked across the highway at the country club on the other side.  We had cattle in the field just past our yard.  Our sunsets were breath taking.

Tonight, I am reminded of that yard and many precious nights we spent there with our girls.  In the summer it stayed light past nine o’clock.  We would blow bubbles, chase fire-flies and draw rainbows with side-walk chalk.  The wind blew through our hair and I heard whispers in the breeze.  I felt a connection with God there.  I was so happy, so fulfilled. 

It is hard to imagine how far away those feelings and memories are, and yet how near and dear they are to my heart.  I crave that sense of peace, of innocence.  I am in disbelief of that which I have lost.  I am so sad, so very sad.  And yet, I play in my beautiful yard here in Arkansas.  We shoot hoops, we sing, we have a million fire flies to chase.  I feel the breeze in my hair.  I watch the sunset– though it is less impressive here.  We listen to the sound of the train, the crickets chirping.  I still feel alive.

I still kiss my sweet babies and hold them tight.  I still feel amazed to be their mom and overwhelmed with love.  And sometimes, believe it or not, I still feel God’s presence. 

Life is so strange.  The same thing that makes me happy makes me cry.  My loneliness is trumped by the fact that I am surrounded by a wonderful family of amazing people.  Cameron was truly the inspiration that made me a mother.   She was perfect in everyway.  I can still not even fathom that she is gone and I know that I cannot survive the loss of her.  I know it in my heart.  But yet, here I am.  Life is definitely a rollercoaster.

I hope that one day I can think of Cameron and just smile, just be happy and proud and rest assured that she is safe and at peace.  I wish that I could see things from her perspective.  I am still seeing them from that of a broken-hearted mother.  Forgive me if I can’t give thanks that she is gone– has moved on to a “better place.”  It doesn’t hurt any less.  I am the mother who watched her go.  That seems so unreal.

I am rambling.  I can’t reconcile this.  I can’t even say what it is that I feel right now.  I just know that the tears are flowing.  All the while there are pitter patters of little feet on the floor.  There are tattle tells and spats.  There are giggles and hugs and the T.V. blares with Disney shows.  My tears must try so I can solve this battle of the barbie, diaper my baby and rock her to sleep, get one  child in the shower and give another one her inhaler, have everyone brush their teeth and go to bed.  I’m still here, I guess.  Still going.  Good night.

Somedays I cry in the shower– like a silent scream. Then it quickly subsides, and I go on. Somedays, I let my mind wander to what could’ve been, then I stop myself. Somedays, I wish that I could stay in bed, but I get up anyway. Somedays I look at my girls and miss her more than I ever thought I could, but then they hug me.
Today, I helped some children. A couple of them had been injured. It hurts to see an injured child, especially one where the injuries are inflicted by an adult. I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could make the pain stop. Poor babies.
I love children. I love mamas and daddies. I love happy families, and I will never understand why the cruelty of this world in which we lives threatens that happiness. I wish we could all live forever in safety and love.
I guess that’s just a dream for now. I know there is no way to stay safe and secure at all times. Our kids grow up, we have experiences that stick with us– changing us forever, melting our innocence before our eyes. There is only one place where we are held in the truly safe and loving arms of our creator. That is the prize for surviving this life, no matter what it throws our way. We must build on our character, and find a way to prosper and give back despite the pain.
And you know, there are days when I don’t cry. I don’t hurt and I don’t mind jumping out of bed. There are times when I look at my girls and I just smile– no strings attached. There are bad days, there are so-so days, and there are good days. Wow, who know a bereaved mom could say that and be okay with it. I may actually have stopped punishing myself just a little. Baby steps…

Today I took Kennedy for a bike ride.  It was the first time she really rode without training wheels.  I have been a little embarrassed that my 7 1/2 year old can’t ride a bike.  But, truthfully, I am just happy she can cross the street.  When we first moved here, she was scared to ride the barbie car in our cul-de-sac.  She and I both had this fear of streets, of cars coming around the corner, of the worst happening.  It has been such an adjustment for both of us to realize that the car might stop.  Whenever any of them get near the street, my heart just stops.  It’s like, they step in the street and its all over.  But usually the car stops.  Usually the driver is paying attention, aware of his surroundings.  Nobody wants to run over a child in the street.  So more than likely, we will be okay. 

So I praised my daughter today for riding that bike on the sidewalk.  And then we went for a walk around the block.  And she let go of my hand, and looked both ways, and crossed the street.  And she made it across.  I know one day I will have to let go, and let my kids grow up.  They will go places without me, and I may not always know exactly where they are.  And, more than likely, they will be okay.

And that’s just some of the simple things we do to keep moving forward.  It isn’t easy, but we are all surviving.  We can’t changed what happened to Cameron, and we know its not our fault.  But we will not let it paralyze us.  We are brave enough to look both ways, then cross the street.

Our family is so grateful to the community of McAlester Oklahoma for the book drive this spring. We were presented with a large quantity of fabulous books by Heather Horton, our friend and a pre-school teacher at Jefferson in McAlester. We appreciate you!
Also, I would like to thank the Cannant family for the great books. It was great to see you all.
I express my sincere thanks to my brother and sister-in-law who always make me feel loved and cared for. The books are great. Thanks also to Cherry and the Scholtens for your contributions and continued support. Chris and Jay, Derrick had a great time and is so pleased to have been able to have the golf tourney in Mt. Home this year. You were both wonderful hosts and I know a great time was had by all.
Mom and Dad, just know that every moment and every effort behind the scenes and by our sides means the world. We couldn’t ask for a more supportive set of parents. I am just in awe of your love and constant ability to stand by us!
Angela, you have been a truly amazing friend and I thank you for keeping me afloat! You have single handedly helped me maintain my connections to McAlester. I know how much work went in to planning and pulling off that party. Thank you so much!
Angie and Emory, thanks for opening up your home to us and all the crowd. The party was a huge success and we felt so loved and remembered! You guys are the best.  Ren, you went above and beyond buying everyone’s dinner at Chef Billy’s.  We love that place.  I miss you!

We got a wonderful shipment of great books from our friends, the Sealy’s. They currently reside in Washington, D.C. but will be moving to Alabama soon!! They were our next door neighbors in McAlester. They have 3 girls and the older 2 were some of Cameron’s first friends! She loved playing with you two!
I want to thank Emma Cate Adams from Franklin, TN. So good to see you guys and thanks for the load of books. Looking forward to seeing you guys next week when I visit Carrie.
My best friend had a little baby girl last month and I get to go meet Ms. Chloe Grace in about 10 days. Can’t wait to see the little angel!
We recently made some new friends, the Hapgoods and the Wagstaffs, here in Fayetteville. They dropped a parcel of books on the doorstep a couple of weeks back. They knocked and ran! It was so funny. Thanks, guys.
Also, some relatives have contributed great books in the past month. I received a nice batch from my cousin Jill. I am so happy for Jill in her new upcoming role in life. Also, my Aunt Dottie, who teaches 2nd grade. Thanks for the Scholastic order! That is a great way to donate books.
Another 2nd grade teacher that I haven’t met but who heard about us from her relative (and our friend) also did a Scholastic order to donate books. Her name is Bette Winegar. We really appreciate you doing that for us in honor of your daughter’s birthday.
I am looking forward to a trip to McAlester next month and gathering the books from their annual book drive. That is spearheaded by our friend Heather Horton. She teaches preschool at Jefferson Elementary.
We received 2, $100 dontations to the Cameron Averitt Bobbitt Memorial Fund. These were from our dear friends Lee and Jennifer Johnson, and Mike and Rebecca Swan. These parents all know about challenges and pain, and we truly appreciate you remembering us and Cameron.

I sit here tonight with a feeling of appreciation toward all the people who remember Cameron and make an effort to let us know that.  It is so easy to get busy and forget to make those jestures that help others know we care.  So many of our friends and loved ones always make that effort.  I often get so absorbed in my own little world filled with family, work, and that huge elephant– grief.  It still stifles me and prevents me from being able to step outside myself and just love and care for others the way I used to.

I am appreciative of all of you, my loved ones.  Know that.  And know that every effort you make to support Cameron’s book club or memorial fund makes a world of difference.  You help children and that is phenomenal.  But also just as important, you help us.  You encourage us to go on and live another day.  We know that we are loved, and we are lifted up just a little higher.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and feel some of that love reciprocrated upon you and you continue on your journey.  With God’s love and peace,

Susan

We have been so blessed lately with the reciept of several loads of books. Our friend, Scott Harris, at Game On Promotions in Fayetteville got his co-workers to collect books in February. Yesterday Derrick and I went over and picked them up. There were so many nice children’ books that we can now pass on to others!
Little Jack Baldwin of Springdale collected quite a few books at his 3rd birthday party. What a wonderful little boy to forfeit gifts for himself to donate books for children who need them more. Thank you so much!
Also, thanks to my patients Rylee Youngblood and Kaitlyn Clifton who drive in from Oklahoma just to see me. You guys make my day. Thank you for bringing me books today. I appreciate you always remembering Cameron!
Derrick packaged up 5 parcels of books today with all these generous donations. These went to St. Francis House in Springdale, Benton Co. Women’s Shelter, Family Network in Springdale, Kids First in Fort Smith and Peace at Home Family Shelter in Fayetteville. These lucky children appreciate your donations. We feel so blessed to be able to make these book donations in memory of our precious daughter. Your generosity makes our mission possible. With love, The Bobbitts

Dear Heart, do you remember me? We used to be so close. You let me down, but hold me up. You keep me from feeling, yet hurt inside of me. How can I cling to you, yet feel so completely detached? I feel you beating, and know you’re there. I would love to just…feel. I am not the same. I don’t know how to know myself. I search for passion. I want to experience life. And yet I am so scared and guarded, because there is such pain just beneath the surface. Protect me as you must, but don’t vanish completely.

Thanks To Jennifer Dean Boudreaux and her Louisiana book club ladies for a bundle of great children’s books. It is great that you guys celebrate books together and that you joined in on this great cause. We will put these books in the hands of some needy young readers!

Also, thanks to Denise Roark from my book club here in Fayetteville. She donated some great books as well. We are all part of the legacy of reading. Bookclubs are amazing!!

We had a great celebration for Cameron’s Heaven Day.  On Sunday, a crowd of about 40 met at her gravesite in North Little Rock, AR.  We hugged and cried and laughed.  My dad delivered a message of hope and reminded us that we would all see Cameron again one day.  We launched 3 dozen pink and purple balloons.  They made their way to the sky.

Then we gathered at the home of Darren and Jennifer Bobbitt.  The kids played  and we shared pizza and cake.  We were surrounded by family and friends who love us and wanted to help us remember Cameron. 

Several people gave us books including Carrie Wingert, Mary Beth Benafield, Susan Gill, Ashley Phelps, Kathy James, Jennifer Bobbitt and Kathryn French.  We got some really beautiful books, including some in Spanish!  Cameron would be so proud.

On Monday, our family set out to delivery books to some clinics in Little Rock.  First we went to Arkansas Allergy and Asthma Clinic.  Dr. Missy Graham accepted numerous books on behalf of her patients.  We got to meet several of the staff and take some pictures.

Next we headed over to Little Rock Pediatric Clinic.  We met up with our friends Dr. Chad Rogers and Dr. Cheryl Ahart.  The executive director of Arkansas Reach Out and Read was there to greet us.  We donated a basket full of great books.  We took lots of pictures and I was even able to read to the kids in the waiting room.  It was so sweet.

Finally, we went to Arkansas Children’s Hospital.  We donated books to their child life department.  They help hospitalized children with painful procedures, provided teaching, and have several classrooms and playrooms.  The hospital has had a real facelift since I was last there.  It looks beautiful.  We know these books will be put to good use!

It was inspirational, emotional, happy-sad, and exhausting.  I felt we paid quite a tribute to Cameron and hope that she was smiling down on us from above.  Cameron, three years is just too long for a mother to have to miss her baby.  I don’t know how long I will have to wait to see your beautiful face again.  But I love you dearly and hold you in my heart at all times.  We will never forget you, even for a moment-  my sweet, amazing angel!

P.S.  we will post the pictures soon!