Today is the day– Heaven day. It is the very day four years ago that Cameron was taken from me. It is hard to believe. It has only been four years, it seems like a life time. Only four years since I stood in that little street and looked down at my broken baby. Only four years since I felt my heart break/ my world crashing down on me. Only four years since I had to face the grimmest of realities, a life without my precious child.
How long ago and yet so recent. That event so cruel that stole my innocence and security. I never spent a moment not worrying and protecting my children and yet I still lost. I still ended up a mom who couldn’t keep her baby safe. I still can’t believe it.
It’s cruel, it’s ironic, its unfathomable. I can’t be grateful. Its not okay. I felt angry and abandonned and alone. I felt betrayed by the very reality I thought I knew. I wasn’t pure enough or faithful enough to accept it without a fight. And yet I wasn’t given a choice. I was not asked if I could handle this. I was just slammed in the face with horror.
It isn’t pretty and there is no way to sugar coat it. I can grow and evolve and be brave. But I can’t understand and I can’t explain it away. I can’t put it all into simple terms that make sense. I can’t find the silver lining. I can’t find answers to questions I didn’t choose to ask.
But that is not the end. I am still here. I am still a mother, a doctor, a sister, a daughter, a wife. I still exist. I have choices to make.
One thing that helps is that I have amazing friends and family. I am surrounded by loved ones who lift me up and support me. I am amazed by the positive effect that you all have on my life. You have raised my head in the lowest of times. You have encouraged and prayed for me.
So for now all I know to do is to honor Cameron. I fight so that she will be remembered. I push to celebrate her life in any way I can. Derrick and I continue to promote Cameron’s Amazing Book Club. We share books with children and promote a legacy of reading. And we raise funds for the Cameron Bobbitt Memorial Fund so we can help children and families. Our wonderful  friends and family continue to contribute both books and funds to help children in Cameron’s name.
“God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good. When I pray, it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should… But I do it anyway.”