Sometimes I am crying before I know why. I tell you, Sundays are the hardest. You know how hard and crazy it is just getting everyone dressed, out the door, and to church on time? And then it starts– the music. I choose the contemporary service– and that praise and worship music makes me cry everytime.
When Cameron died I would go to the contemporary service at my dad’s church. I feel bad for him because I would sit in the front row and cry. After some time passed, I couldn’t cry– this started about a year following her death. Now I cry again, but this time the tears are different. Before I cried because I was mad at God. I felt betrayed and none of what we sang felt real. I wept for my losses– my daughter, my security, my faith.
Now my tears sting a little less. They are mixed tears– happy/sad. I am still in pain and my heart still aches. But I feel the presence of God when those songs are sung. I feel it before I think it. It just hits me. And I am so glad to have that back.
I am crying right now. At times I cry buckets of tears. Some are sad, some are happy. But they are all proof of the existence of feelings. And that is good. I feel, therefore I am. I cry, therefore I live. I am able to rest in the knowlegde and belief that my God is with me. Emanuel. And that is good enough for me right now!

I have found some words on grief which I have found helpful. Most of them come from Senator Ted Kennedy’s book True Compass, which I highly recommend.

“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don’t agree. The wounds remain. Time–the mind, protecting its sanity–covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy

“There are no words to dispel your feelings at this time, and there is no time that will ever dispel them. Nor is it any easier the second time than it was the first. When one of your children goes out of your life, you think of what he might have done with a few more years, and you wonder what you are going to do with the rest of yours. Then one day, because there is a world to be lived in, you find yourself a part of it again, trying to accomplish something–something that he did not have time enough to do.” Joseph Kennedy, Senior

“Every single one of us, if we are awake to the brokenness of the world and of our lives, wonders at some point, ‘How could you allow this, God? I believe, but help me in my unbelief!’ ” Ted Kennedy

“When you bury your parents, you bury the past, but when you bury your child, you bury the future.” Unknown

“Fiction is unlike life in that fiction has to make sense.” Unknown

I appreciate all of you who read these words and who support our family with your prayers and friendship.

Ann

Today is the day– Heaven day. It is the very day four years ago that Cameron was taken from me. It is hard to believe. It has only been four years, it seems like a life time. Only four years since I stood in that little street and looked down at my broken baby. Only four years since I felt my heart break/ my world crashing down on me. Only four years since I had to face the grimmest of realities, a life without my precious child.
How long ago and yet so recent. That event so cruel that stole my innocence and security. I never spent a moment not worrying and protecting my children and yet I still lost. I still ended up a mom who couldn’t keep her baby safe. I still can’t believe it.
It’s cruel, it’s ironic, its unfathomable. I can’t be grateful. Its not okay. I felt angry and abandonned and alone. I felt betrayed by the very reality I thought I knew. I wasn’t pure enough or faithful enough to accept it without a fight. And yet I wasn’t given a choice. I was not asked if I could handle this. I was just slammed in the face with horror.
It isn’t pretty and there is no way to sugar coat it. I can grow and evolve and be brave. But I can’t understand and I can’t explain it away. I can’t put it all into simple terms that make sense. I can’t find the silver lining. I can’t find answers to questions I didn’t choose to ask.
But that is not the end. I am still here. I am still a mother, a doctor, a sister, a daughter, a wife. I still exist. I have choices to make.
One thing that helps is that I have amazing friends and family. I am surrounded by loved ones who lift me up and support me. I am amazed by the positive effect that you all have on my life. You have raised my head in the lowest of times. You have encouraged and prayed for me.
So for now all I know to do is to honor Cameron. I fight so that she will be remembered. I push to celebrate her life in any way I can. Derrick and I continue to promote Cameron’s Amazing Book Club. We share books with children and promote a legacy of reading. And we raise funds for the Cameron Bobbitt Memorial Fund so we can help children and families. Our wonderful  friends and family continue to contribute both books and funds to help children in Cameron’s name.
“God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good. When I pray, it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should… But I do it anyway.”

Over the last few weeks, we have received numerous books. We want to thank you all for sharing. Our friends, Lance and Ulrika Belline, collected books at their Christmas party. It was very special to us and there were over 75 books collected!
We also want to thank Rod and Casey Roark and their precious baby twin boys! They contributed a great bunch of books for Christmas.
Thanks as well to Alison Brashears and her family for their continued support of our bookclub. The Brashears family contributes books throughout the year, with another great bundle at Christmas.  Our wonderful family including GrAnn-Ma and Grandpa, Aunt Louann and cousins– Ryan and Rachel, Uncle Chris and Aunt Catherine and cousins Graham and Caroline and Aunt Frances and Uncle Jimmy all included books for Cameron for Christmas!!! 

I would like to thank my cousin, Alicia and the Haley crew,  as well as my my good friend Cherry Frierson, for contributing books for Cameron’s Heaven Day.  And some other great friends from here in town, the Weller’s helped out with a HUGE box of great books just last week.

What a blessing to have these wonderful friends who help us continue to make a difference in our daughter’s name!