It is time for me to say Merry Christmas to my baby. This is the way I do it– by writing on her blog. Cameron, I can’t believe we have to have another Christmas without you. This makes our fourth. You should be here. You should be nine. You should be getting tall, with big-girl teeth. You should be asking for clothes and rolling your eyes when I annoy you. You should be alive…
Last year, I worked really hard on putting together the Hope Tree. It was a tribute to Cameron, every ornament either pink, or an angel, or with a message of hope. We actually kept it up all year, so it is still here. It still honors Cameron, symbolized her beauty.
Last year, the word hope became my favorite word. I think the reason Hope is so important is because no matter how bad things get, it is there. It keeps a person going when she thinks the world is dark and she is alone. Hope is not something we can consider or choose. It is not a thought, it is a feeling/ a spirit. It is from the soul. Hope isn’t something I have, it is something that has me. It lifts up my head when I want to hang it low and refuse to believe. Hope is a gift, a blessing.
Hope has been my Emanuel– God with me. It is the spirit within, my salvation.
Tonight as I sat in church and worshipped on the eve of the birth of Christ, I realized that hope has continued to blossom within me. Whereas a year ago hope helped me feel that salvation and the existence of God were a possibilty, this year I have regained my faith. Faith is also not a thought, choice or decision. Faith is a feeling of assurance inside our hearts that it is all real. There is nothing to figure out. It is just there. I have it back. Emanuel is within me. I believe.
If you’ve never had a doubt that God is with you, your are blessed. I hope you never have to go that low. But if you have, know that you are not alone. You can survive this, and you are chosen by God to be His. You may not know it or feel it now, but maybe you will someday. You have hope, right? So keep moving forward.
God never promised us that we would have it easy. He didn’t even say that He would spare us from pain. We will experience cancer, or divorce, or job loss, or rejection. We may lose a spouse, a young parent, or even our own child. That is the human condition, and we live it everyday. But God came and He, too, lived a human life. He chose it to show that no matter how hard life gets, he is with us– even til the end of the age.
When I imagine the birth of Christ I do smile a little picturing the little baby. To me, babies are the ultimate miracle. So it makes perfect sense for Him to come as a babe. He had to– how else could He become one of us? Have you ever met a human who didn’t start out as a baby? Imagine what it would have felt like to hold the baby, Jesus, in your arms. Wow, what a tremendous power that little baby held.
Cameron was my baby, and I did get the chance to hold her in my arms. She was a tiny, precious miracle. She had 10 fingers and 10 toes. She had this brown birthmark right in the center of her back. She got ear infections and had trouble gaining weight as a baby. She was a fast learner, spoke early, was curious about the world. She got a chance to be here, only it was too short. Just like Jesus, she was taken away too soon. Cameron, unlike Jesus, was just an ordinary human. Well, to others who never knew her, maybe. But to me, she was a piece of me– walking around on this earth living her life. I lost that piece of me for a little while. But because of Emanuel I have not lost her forever. He died for her that she might live. And He died for you, and for me. Salvation is what connects us to the next life. I am thankful for that gift. I am beyond grateful that I have true faith.
God, I am humbly yours as I await the celebration of the birth of your child. He has given all so that we can have these astounding gifts. Faith, Hope, Love, Grace, Salvation. Cameron.