Thanksgiving is a time for all of us to count our blessings. Two years ago, at Thanksgiving my mother shared a message she wrote with our family. It was about how the first Thanksgiving was put together in a time of extreme duress. But even though the pilgrims were tattered and torn, they still gave thanks to God for what they did have. She went on to compare that to our tragedy– the recent loss of Cameron. She reminded us to give thanks even though we were so blinded by our loss that we couldn’t even perceive our blessings.
Looking back two years into the past, I realize how far we have all come. At that time I didn’t know if I would survive. I felt certain at any time I could have a nervous breakdown and be done with! I wasn’t sure if I had faith, if I could even count on the miracle of Jesus. I was completely lost. Now, I know that I have blessings. I know that I have so much good in my life that I can go forward. And with my faith restored, I know that I can and will see Cameron again one day!
I am first and foremost thankful for my family. I have three living and beautiful girls who love me so dearly. Whenever I come home from anything– 10 hours at work or 5 minutes to the gas station– I am greeted with hugs and shouts of “Mama’s home!” They are smart and loving and affectionate and empathetic. They fill my heart with love! My husband is truly the best father I could hope for with my girls. He is silly, yet stern. He is able to make them laugh or cry. He chases them until they are all exhausted. He reads to them, serves thems, and holds them. My parents are a true joy. I love spending time with them. They are a perfect example of a life-long happily married couple. Inspirational! Derrick and I both have great brothers and sisters who make us laugh and stand up for us when we need them!
I am also truly grateful to be living the dream of having a solo practice. It has been amazing to be able to put my touch on a clinic, to practice the way I feel in my heart is the right way for me. My patients love it. My staff loves it. And I love it. I am so blessed to have these little childen walk through that door and into my heart!
I am thankful for the opportunity to good in Cameron’s name. This month we made three distributions from CAB Memorial Fund. One of the donations was $500 to EOA Children’s House in Fayetteville. Derrick and I took the check personally, met the director and toured the facility. This is an organization that is changing the lives of abused and neglected children. They desperately need a new building, and our contribution is going to help them build it. Our donation will allow Cameron to have a brick with her name on it in this new facility.
I sobbed as we drove away from that place. Not only did I sob for those adorable little children– who looked just like regular kids, but had been through horrible domestic situations. But I sobbed because Cameron gets to help them have a better life. Derrick reminded me that when we lost Cameron he asked why this couldn’t have happened to a child who didn’t have such a great life. Why God would take Cameron from her happy home, but leave a child who is being beaten and neglected on earth to suffer. But we saw these kids as real people, children who have hope for a better life. All children deserve that. I am truly thankful for the gift of Hope. Hope is so important. There are times when we all feel we have lost our way. But as long as we have hope, we can find our way back to the light that is God. We can find our blessings both here on earth and in the life that is to come.
Happy thanksgiving!

I can’t pray.

I haven’t been blogging much lately, and I have to soul search as to why. As you can probably imagine, I still grieve everyday. I always have the loss of Cameron with me. It is like a scar. But just like any scar fades over time, so does the overt daily appearance of grieving. It is not obvious that I hurt, and those who meet me might not even suspect that I carry around this torch.
Grief is weird. I control it, yet it controls me. I feel responsible to grieve. I feel that one of my purposes is to keep alive the awareness that Cameron didn’t get to live out her life. I have a job to do. Not only do I have to survive this, but I have to make it matter.
I did not- and would never- volunteer for this. I would much prefer to be a normal mom, with her perfect family, complaining about spats and homework and braces and attitudes. I would love to think that it is just so hard raising kids these days (naively believing that somehow those worries compare to anything like not having that child here to complain about). If I had a choice to be quiet and safe and insignificant, I would. But instead I am in a group of people that no mother would ever sign up for. I have to keep my little girl here in the hearts of others. It gets old. It can be exhausting.
I think that is why I sometimes fail to come to Cameron’s blog and write. My scar is always there, but I don’t have to look in the mirror. I know its there, but sometimes it is easier to just keep moving and just keep pushing and not stop to explore the damage. It is not really pretending it is not there, it is just a way of avoiding something that I know is everpresent.

I want to share a quote with you that I thought was really excellent at putting into words how it feels to lose a child. Grief occurs whether the lost loved one is a friend, parent, grandparent, or child. But there is a difference when it is someone young, robbed of the life she was meant to live. This quote is by Gloria Steinem.

“When the past dies, there is mourning- but when the future dies our imaginations are compelled to carry it on.”

That is my experience. I am compelled to keep Cameron alive within, and carry on the existence that was taken from her. I have to spend more time inside my own mind, because she is not here to show me who she is. And no matter how much I experience or accomplish in life– this will be a part of who I am forever.

Mary and Martha Center (Dequeen, AR), Women’s Crisis Center of NE Arkansas (Jonesboro, AR), Center for Children (Lowell, AR), Benton County Women’s Shelter (Bentonville, AR), and Project Hospitality (Staten Island, NY).

This year we donated $500 to Children’s House in Fayetteville, $250 to NWA Children’s Shelter, and $250 to Arkansas Children’s Hospital.