Cameron was an amazing little girl who died on January 19, 2006. She was truly one of the most precious people to ever walk this earth. As her parents, we will never be able to express the loss we feel now that Cameron is gone. Faith and Hope
I want to share my faith with you. I have really struggled over the past 2 1/2 years in trying to figure out my faith. I have since realized that faith is not something in my head, but in my heart. Therefore I don’t have to understand it. I just have to feel it. When Cameron died, I felt abandoned by God. I couldn’t believe that He would do that to me. I had tried so hard to be good, to have the right type of relationship with God/ my family/ my community. And yet the unthinkable had happened– to me! The only emotion I could really muster toward God was anger.
Do you know the song, “I Can Only Imagine”? It is a praise song about making it to Heaven and how great it will be to see God. It asks the question “Will I dance for you Jesus? Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence? Or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?” It is an awesome song. I would hear it and just be mad. All I wanted to do was question God. And I didn’t want to think that the moment I died, my anger would be gone and I was just be in awe of God. I owned my anger. How could I be expected to give it up?
I went to church regularly. I cried, feeling as if I was in a separate place from the other worshipers there. Our associate pastor would say “God is Good.” The congregation would reply “All the time.” Jaimie would say “All the time…” and the response was “God is Good.” I’ll be honest, I couldn’t say if for the longest time. If God is good, how could He do this to me? What an emotional and spiritual struggle I was experiencing!
But I never gave up hope, the hope that one day I would be reunited. Reunited with Cameron. Reunited with my faith. Reunited with the person I once was– the Christian believer who knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. All the time.” God surrounded me with Christian friends and family. I know this to be true. Everywhere I went, there were loving and faithful followers around me. And they believed in me. They understood my questioning because they forced themselves to consider my predicament. And they couldn’t blame me for feeling the way I did. They were loved ones, parents themselves. Thankful for their own children’s safety. Praying for God to protect their families. And for God to heal my heart.
And gradually, without any fanfare, the presence God began to come back to me. I regained my sense of salvation, God being back in my heart. My feet were planted back on the ground. And I realized, as the poem Footsteps relates, that God hadn’t abandoned me. He had, in fact, carried me. Even when I didn’t feel Him with me, He was there supporting me more than ever.
The fact that I am witnessing right now is no less than a small miracle. I say this because I am still here. I am still here on this earth, living this Christian life, making a small difference in the lives of others every day. I did this before, but now I do it despite my loss and my pain. It is so much harder to believe in the grace and goodness of God when you have been through absolute devastation. I have, and I still do. I promise you, I loved my Cameron as much if not more that any mother has ever loved her child. I adored her in a way that is beyond explanation. I lost her. And I have survived anyway. That is my miracle. Thanks be to God.
Posted in Bereaved parents, Susan's diary |
July 13th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Beautifully written! Love you all!
July 13th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Dear Susan,
What you just so beautifully expressed reminds me of the Natalie Grant song “Held.” She talks about how we were never promised that everything was always going to be okay but we were promised that when life falls apart God will hold us and we will survive. It IS a miracle that you survived. It’s a miracle that 2 1/2 years after the worst moment imaginable, you can see that God was with you all the time. And He was with you when you were angry. He was with you when you were questioning His love for you. He was with you when you thought He wasn’t good. He TOTALLY understands what you went through. He saw his son die in a terrible way. I know it broke His heart to see you and Derrick lose such a precious child. Thank you for continuing to seek Him. You will be rewarded. It’s true that your faith has been tested. And your presence of faith after what you’ve been through is a wonderful witness to the love of Christ. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with the world. AMAZING!
Love,
Catherine
p.s. The video footage of Cameron’s life that was played at her funeral was set to the song “Held.” (I don’t know if you ever were able to watch it). Praise God that you survived. You WILL see Cameron again and you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to say goodbye. I love you.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Oh, Susan, how reading your entry blessed me! When Cameron moved to Heaven, Will had been there for six years and I had survived. I had seen the good God had brought about in our lives because of that tradegy. The list is so long! It’s amazing.
I remember telling you that you wouldn’t always feel as awful as you did right then. Life would never be the same, but not always so painful. I remember telling you that the changes I’ve made in my life have been positive in honor of Will. I told you that I still thought about him every day and that we talked about him a lot, but not in such a sad way. I said I didn’t cry everyday anymore and that would happen to you some day. I hoped I was right and I was. And you are right, it is a miracle.
Cameron and Will are happy, safe, and sound. That’s the first miracle. The second is that we know it. We can thank Jesus for both. Thank you dear Jesus.
With love,
Cherry
July 14th, 2008 at 8:41 am
And the Lord will say to you, “Well done my good and faithful servant…”
Susan, I stand in awe at your amazing heart and willingness to search God and receive His love. You are an amazing woman and inspire more people than you will ever know.
I love you,
Alicia
July 14th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Dear Susan,
Thank you for allowing us to see an answer to prayer. Jeff and I hurt so much for you, Derrick and your family. We have nothing to compare your pain to but knew God would hold you and never let you go. Your testimony gives glory and honor to God and that is why we are here for this short time on this earth. Thanks again for your honesty. This was a good time for me to read about a prayer that God has answered. You have blessed my life today!
In His love, Shannon Puryear
July 15th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Susan, thank you for reminding me to look at the web site. I saw several entries I had not seen before, and I am so grateful for all of them. I am so sorry that you have suffered this great loss. I never wanted my baby to hurt. I am very proud of the way you have survived and even thrived. I haven’t always been able to help because I felt the loss so keenly myself, but I have always been right there with you–sharing your loss because it was my loss too. I loved Cameron like I have never loved anyone. She also loved me more than anyone has ever loved me except maybe my mother. You have inspired me to keep going, and together we will get through this!
Love,
Mom
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Susan,
It’s encouraging to see how the Lord has been so good to you and your family these past 2 1/2 years, though I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it has been. His strength is surely made perfect in our weakness, isn’t it?
I’m glad I found this site and I’m comforted to know that you are doing well.
He IS good. All the time.
Your old friend from Sheridan,
Aaron