Cameron was an amazing little girl who died on January 19, 2006. She was truly one of the most precious people to ever walk this earth. As her parents, we will never be able to express the loss we feel now that Cameron is gone. Struggles
I have been trying to figure out why I am so tired. I could sleep away the day if I had the chance, only to wake up tired again. My brain works overtime at its job of protecting me from myself. It is exhausting. I realize that I constantly think around Cameron. I grieve peripherally. I have never had the will to submerge myself in thoughts of grief, reminders of Cameron, or simple memories. I avoid! I think there is a part of me that is ready to delve. But the rest of me pushes that part of me away– far down into the depths of my soul. And the energy required to keep it there is getting greater– harder to maintain.
Sometimes I can’t decide what I want to eat. This is not a new problem for me or anyone. But I want something good, something satisfying. I can’t think of anything that will taste good enough to make me feel the way I want to feel. There is no food, no drug, no event, no book, no words of encouragement. There is nothing that satisfies my soul, nothing that satisfies this empty hunger inside of me.
Blah, blah, blah. I get bored with myself and my thoughts. I know they seem so depressing and repetitive. I just don’t know how to change the cycle. I am too afraid to look inside. I circle around this shell of myself that walks around pretending to be me. I miss me. I miss the absence of the emptiness inside. I am not whole. I don’t know if I can be without her, knowing that I’ve lost her. My precious, wonderful, angel of a girl, who left too soon!
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