Cameron was an amazing little girl who died on January 19, 2006. She was truly one of the most precious people to ever walk this earth. As her parents, we will never be able to express the loss we feel now that Cameron is gone. Struggles
I have been trying to figure out why I am so tired. I could sleep away the day if I had the chance, only to wake up tired again. My brain works overtime at its job of protecting me from myself. It is exhausting. I realize that I constantly think around Cameron. I grieve peripherally. I have never had the will to submerge myself in thoughts of grief, reminders of Cameron, or simple memories. I avoid! I think there is a part of me that is ready to delve. But the rest of me pushes that part of me away– far down into the depths of my soul. And the energy required to keep it there is getting greater– harder to maintain.
Sometimes I can’t decide what I want to eat. This is not a new problem for me or anyone. But I want something good, something satisfying. I can’t think of anything that will taste good enough to make me feel the way I want to feel. There is no food, no drug, no event, no book, no words of encouragement. There is nothing that satisfies my soul, nothing that satisfies this empty hunger inside of me.
Blah, blah, blah. I get bored with myself and my thoughts. I know they seem so depressing and repetitive. I just don’t know how to change the cycle. I am too afraid to look inside. I circle around this shell of myself that walks around pretending to be me. I miss me. I miss the absence of the emptiness inside. I am not whole. I don’t know if I can be without her, knowing that I’ve lost her. My precious, wonderful, angel of a girl, who left too soon!
Posted in Bereaved parents, Susan's diary |
April 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Dr. Averitt,
I still think of you often. I will never forget the way you handled the diagnosis of my son William. You were so gentle and encouraging when you explained how you wanted to have him tested for Down Syndrome. I couldn’t think, speak or even breathe. I was devastated.
After it was confirmed, I remember you telling me that he would be fine and to get him started with early intervention, which I did! I was told of horror stories from other moms of how they were informed and discouraged. Thank you for being the WONDERFUL person that you are. We still miss you.
Pat,William, and Aaron
April 17th, 2008 at 9:39 am
My children were patients of yours and we miss you dearly.
I too lost a child at a young age. Kristopher was 14 months old when he passed, that’s been 11 come September. The pain never goes away and you never forget, but I want you to know that things do get better. I still allow myself to be depressed twice a year, his birthday and the anniversary of his death, which is hard now because I have a great-neice that shares his birthday and my new husbands birthday is on his anniverary. Something wonderful will happen on one of your “bad days” and it will help to make that day less dreadful.
Just remember to take it one day at a time and cherish every day with your kids.
Congradulations on the newest addition!
Miss you much,
Karen, Kevin, Matthew and Aidan
April 21st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Susan,
I know there are no words to comfort you, but i just want you to know my thoughts turn to you often, and my prayers are with you, Derrick and your whole family. Cameron will never be forgotten by any of us, and neither will the rest of you. I miss you a lot! You will always be Halle’s number one pediatrician! She was very blessed to have you, and she misses you!
Love Always,
Josh, Kristin, & Halle
May 11th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Susan,
I have been thinking of you and praying for you daily. Especially today, Mother’s Day. You are a wonderful mother and I know Cameron is very proud of you. I think of her every day too. Every day when I take my daughters to school I can’t help but think of her. It makes me very sad, but it also reminds me to treasure every moment I have with them. Sometimes when things are crazy at home or work, I remember to just slow down and be in the present. I think it helps me be a better mom and a better pediatrician for my patients. I find my self just living in the moment more these days, and am thankful for your sweet angel Cameron for that gift. I know we will never forget her, but I pray you will some day be able to live more peacefully in the present. Call us anytime. We miss you guys!
Christine