It has been awhile since I have posted anything new on the site. I have these almost daily conversations in my head of things I’d like to say on the message board. But when I sit down to write, or sometimes just think about doing so, I feel a wave of angst come over me. Not to worry, these waves of angst are so commonplace in my life that it really isn’t odd that I would feel them when it comes to CABC’s website. I just hope that by posting here today, I’ll feel a little temporary relief from the waves.

One thing that I have tried so hard to do over the last 2 years since Cameron has died is to not fall apart. I think its okay to lose it every once in awhile, but I mean completely fall apart. I mean, I’ve got my girls to raise and I can’t exactly be a good mom if I am a total basket case! So I live my life, I try to maintain myself on a day to day basis. But every once in awhile, if I am too still, or too tired, or too happy, I will feel a jolt. A sudden re-realization that I am the mother of a beautiful, AMAZING, daughter who was ripped from my life in a horrible and inexplicable way. Then I acknowledge the thought and put it away. I’m sure there are many people on this earth who live the same way. There is something so huge and significant that has happened to them that it defines much of who they are and how they see the world. Yet to have to really feel and experience the reality of that truth is not exactly compatible with life. Energy within these people (us) is spent all day long just working on a way to make this reality bearable.

And yet you’ll see me smile and say “Hello, I’m doing fine.” You’ll see me at the park with my kids, or in line at the store, or at work day in and out. And you will not know when you see me. You will not be able to read my book by its cover. Life is easy, until it is hard. It is bearable, until the unbearable happens. It goes on each day, and then it ends abruptly.

I was reading an article recently about teenagers and resilience. It was defined as the ability to handle difficult situations without falling apart. I never wanted to find out whether or not I am resilient. I was just fine before and felt alright about myself and the life I was living. But I found out anyway that, at least up until now, I am capable of being very resilient. I just don’t know what tomorrow holds. But truth be told, if I can handle this, I can probably survive anything.

I still struggle everyday with questions to which their are no good answers. I don’t know that I would really want someone to explain to me why Cameron died. I mean an explanation that was really THE answer, and then I would just know why it happened. I’m sure that would not make me feel any better here on earth without her. I am human and my heart cannot accept this pain as rational or explicable on any level. So don’t worry about needing to have the right words to say to me. Just be by my side, you can’t fix my problems.

So what is important? Love, appreciation, being the best you can. Trying to make a difference in a positive way on some small scale everyday. Can we change the world? I don’t know. I often like to ignore things like the 6 o’clock news because of all the horrible things in this world that are reported to us so matter-of-factly every night on T.V. My favorite prayer is the serenity prayer because it reminds me that there are some things I can control and somethings I can’t. And the prayer is that God will not only help me to see the difference, but then to do something to affect the things I can affect in a positive way. So that is what I try to do. I admit I am not always good at the effort or the end result. Believe me I am not perfect!! But I am still here, and until I am gone, I will strive to live better. I will strive to touch lives in some small, positive way as I brush past them.

Cameron is always in my heart and on my mind. She holds onto me and keeps me going. Her life was a blessing and her death was a tragedy. I am a mother because of her. Now she is guiding me, teaching me about life. And –like a child, before her mother– I want to make her proud.