My wish for you this Christmas is that you have all the ones you love near. I hope you feel the spirit of the love of Jesus. I hope angels watch over you from above, looking down with love. Peace to you on this blessed night.

Cameron, your mama loves you sweetheart. As we lie down for bed, I know that something is missing. You, my precious child, should be here with us. Not so that you can be with us, but so that we can be with you. We need you and we do not know how to go on without you. Kennedy is sad, and I and GrAnn-ma. Daddy is sad too, although he won’t admit it. Sadness accompanies us every step of the way. Yet we are blessed to have one another, blessed to be bound together in love for you. I hope you have a beautiful Christmas in Heaven.

Love always,
Mama

I just want to remind you mamas to hold your babies. They don’t stay little long enough. Tonight I cradled my 22 month old in my arms and watched her fall asleep. We sat in front of the Hope Tree. She is my little Carington Hope– proof that life goes on after tragedy.

Thanks to Scott Harris. He helps iron out the kinks when I have problems with the blog. Scott– I appreciate you!

This Christmas, I decided to put up a special tree just for Cameron.  I call it the Hope Tree.  Every ornament either says the word Hope, is an angel or is pink or purple.  I put it in front of the mantle downstairs and decorated the mantle with Hope words and angels as well.  Several are actually angels which have the word hope on them.  It has been very emotionally exciting for me to do this project.  I got very focused on that tree and stalled somewhat on getting our other decorations put up.  I love my Hope Tree.  At night, I turn out all the lights downstairs except for the Christmas lights.  I sit in front of that tree and smile.  I still try not to let my mind wander too much, but I feel closer to Cameron when I’m sitting at the Hope Tree.  Sometimes it helps to find a special way to connect with our lost loved ones.  Doing something like this helps me feel that I will see her again one day.

I met some new friends on my 3 day, 60 mile walk in Dallas.  Pam Dewey actually works for Hit Home Entertainment.  They own Barney!!  She sent me a box of about 70 Barney books as well as some beautiful Angelina Ballerina book marks.  I am already putting them to good use at the clinic and Derrick has mailed some shipments to some shelters.

I also received a box of books from some old friends– Greg and Amy Whorton from Hot Springs.  Their book club collected books for us.  We got some really great ones– chapter books that can be for older kids.

Our latest donations have gone out to Cherished Heart Beat in Heber Springs, River Valley Shelter for Battered Women and Children,  and Children’s Emergency Shelter– Fort Smith.  I have also taken a replenishment to the Children’s Clinic at Willow Creek.  I have moved to a new building and needed some new books for my patients.  If anyone ever runs across books in Spanish, I would love to have some.  Gracias!!

I just went back and reviewed the list of all the donors to Cameron’s Memorial Fund over the past year.  What a blessing!  I am so thankful that we have friends and family who love us and want to help us remember Cameron.  Please know that I do appreciate each and every donation.  I sometimes forget to post on the blog the details about each gift.  But I know of your generosity and am truly thankful. 

It is so easy to get bogged down in the daily grind.  I know that I, for one, am tired and busy.  I forget to slow down and appreciate people and gifts from above.  I am thankful for hope.  Hope has saved me from myself.  It has never allowed me to get too low.  No matter how sad or angry I have ever been, I have always had a glimmer of hope.  I pray the same is true for you.  Merry Christmas to everyone.  You are loved.

Susan

One of the things that happens to a person when she experiences a trauma is that her brain alters itself in order to allow her to survive the trauma. For the first 4-5 weeks after Cameron’s accident, the scene constantly replayed in my head. I would see it over and over again like I was watching a movie. I finally went to therapy because I knew I couldn’t bear to keep watching it play out, unable to change the outcome. After a few weeks of therapy, the movie was turned off– but other things took its place.

I experienced guilt of huge proportions. Anger, loss of faith, loneliness, bitterness, sheer agony, helplessness. I can’t even explain all the places my mind went trying to grasp what happened to our family. I am really proud of how far I have come and what I’ve been able to accomplish despite my overwhelming, unimaginable loss. But here’s the thing– my brain is still protecting me. And I am torn. On the one hand, I have truly made major strides. I’ve learned to live again, be a mom, a wife, a doctor. I’ve learned to be a friend. I regained some passion for what is important to me in my life. I’ve reconnected with God, who never gave up on me. But… I’ve lost so much in the process. I’ve lost Cameron, that goes without saying and yet I must say it. But I have lost the thing that made me, well, me. I’m not sensitive. I rarely cry. I don’t emotionally attach to situations, stories, people. I am blocked. In my head I can be mad, happy, frustrated, please, infuriated. But in my heart I am still numb. I don’t feel thinks– I just think them.

So what is so wrong with that? Nothing, in some ways. I mean, it is easier to just be able to hear or see something horrible and think, “That’s terrible” and then be over it. I don’t take my patient’s problems home with me. I don’t worry and worry about things the way I used to. But, I feel empty. I feel less than whole. And I cannot experience Cameron the way I want to, the way she deserves. And I know it is just because it would hurt too much. I appreciate what my brain is trying to do for me. But, God, I miss Cameron. Not just her being here, but what she meant to me. She was my first born, the baby I worked so hard to conceive. The sweetest and cutest and smartest little jewel of my heart. How can I survive her? What kind of mother am I to be able to go on as if it is okay that she is gone? How do I keep her real, her name and spirit alive, when my brain works overtime to let me forget?

So maybe when I go on this 3 day- 60 mile walk, I will learn to feel again. I will be able to honor her life and feel her presence with me. I hope to have a truly emotional and religious experience. I hope to feel alive and know that she is with me, every step of the way!!!

Dear Adam Hix:

Thank you for collecting books for Cameron’s Amazing Book Club during your birthday party.  It is so generous of you at age 6 to collect books instead of presents.  You will make some other children very happy and I know your parents are proud!

Thank you!

The Bobbitt Family

Thanks to Gavin who collected books for us at his 6th birthday party.  These books are being donated to Happy Hollow Elementary School in Fayetteville at Gavin’s request.  The books you collected are really beautiful– my kids checked them out before we sent them.  Hope your schoolmates enjoy them.  Cameron is smiling down on you from Heaven!

Just wanted to update you on some recent donations made from our book club.  Children at the following locations have received books from us:

1. Christ-Way Community Services in Marion, AR

2. Center for Children (ACH) Lowell, AR

3. Holly Street Daycare in Nashville, TN (by request)

4. Potter’s Clay Crisis Shelter for Women and Children in Hot Springs, AR

5. Children’s Emergency Shelter in Fort Smith, AR

6. Safe Place, Morrilton, AR

Derrick is very diligent about sending these out on a regular basis and I cannot keep up with him!  He takes a lot of pride in distributing these books to needy children in memory of our precious baby girl!