I want to share my faith with you. I have really struggled over the past 2 1/2 years in trying to figure out my faith. I have since realized that faith is not something in my head, but in my heart. Therefore I don’t have to understand it. I just have to feel it. When Cameron died, I felt abandoned by God. I couldn’t believe that He would do that to me. I had tried so hard to be good, to have the right type of relationship with God/ my family/ my community. And yet the unthinkable had happened– to me! The only emotion I could really muster toward God was anger.

Do you know the song, “I Can Only Imagine”? It is a praise song about making it to Heaven and how great it will be to see God. It asks the question “Will I dance for you Jesus? Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence? Or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?” It is an awesome song. I would hear it and just be mad. All I wanted to do was question God. And I didn’t want to think that the moment I died, my anger would be gone and I was just be in awe of God. I owned my anger. How could I be expected to give it up?

I went to church regularly. I cried, feeling as if I was in a separate place from the other worshipers there. Our associate pastor would say “God is Good.” The congregation would reply “All the time.” Jaimie would say “All the time…” and the response was “God is Good.” I’ll be honest, I couldn’t say if for the longest time. If God is good, how could He do this to me? What an emotional and spiritual struggle I was experiencing!

But I never gave up hope, the hope that one day I would be reunited. Reunited with Cameron. Reunited with my faith. Reunited with the person I once was– the Christian believer who knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. All the time.” God surrounded me with Christian friends and family. I know this to be true. Everywhere I went, there were loving and faithful followers around me. And they believed in me. They understood my questioning because they forced themselves to consider my predicament. And they couldn’t blame me for feeling the way I did. They were loved ones, parents themselves. Thankful for their own children’s safety. Praying for God to protect their families. And for God to heal my heart.

And gradually, without any fanfare, the presence God began to come back to me. I regained my sense of salvation, God being back in my heart. My feet were planted back on the ground. And I realized, as the poem Footsteps relates, that God hadn’t abandoned me. He had, in fact, carried me. Even when I didn’t feel Him with me, He was there supporting me more than ever.

The fact that I am witnessing right now is no less than a small miracle. I say this because I am still here. I am still here on this earth, living this Christian life, making a small difference in the lives of others every day. I did this before, but now I do it despite my loss and my pain. It is so much harder to believe in the grace and goodness of God when you have been through absolute devastation. I have, and I still do. I promise you, I loved my Cameron as much if not more that any mother has ever loved her child. I adored her in a way that is beyond explanation. I lost her. And I have survived anyway. That is my miracle. Thanks be to God.

Cameron was a sweet little girl. She was so adorable, I might add. So, about the Website. We need you to give us books. We give them to children who need books. And they don’t have anything else. We want them to live. This is Cameron’s younger sister, Kennedy. See ya!

I tucked a little angel in tonight.  Before she went to sleep I held her tight.  She felt just perfect in my arms.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  I am so blessed to be her mom.

I remember holding Cameron that same way.  It is hard to remember the good times for the trauma that we suffered.  But to have held her for a little while, well that was a blessing.  I pray that I’ll never forget the gift.  I don’t want to confuse the journey for the destination.  It is true that we all have the same destination.  So it is only in living the day to day that we get to make a difference along the way.

My angel in Heaven, look down on me.  Keep me and dad and your sisters safe.  We miss you so much, baby girl.  But where you are now no pain can ever come to you.  Good Night, sweet heart.

We had a very nice time on our trip to McAlester.  The whole family went, and we got to see lots of our friends.  We visited several schools and donated book.  We went by Jefferson Preschool, where the April book drive was held, and I was able to read a book to some 4-5 year olds.  They collected over 50 books for us.  It warmed my heart.  Some wonderful friends held a drop in party for us and lots of our friends, co-workers, and church family stopped by.  It was so good to see everyone.

On day two we made stops to Cameron’s old Mother’s Day Out and Kindergarten.  The ladies at MDO were so glad to see us.  They were amazed at how Kennedy and Brooklynn had grown.  It was the first time they got to see Carington.  At Frink, we visited the Cameron Bobbitt Trail of Life.  It is a full walking track with a beautiful bench area.  The bench has Cameron’s name on it, and it is located in a heart-shaped rock garden.  The stepping stone I made last year looks great, and I left behind an angel-shaped plaque with the footprints poem on it.  We got to see Cameron and Kennedy’s teachers, librarian, and principal.

On our way out of town, we stopped by the clinic where I worked to check out Cameron’s tree.  It is another memorial area, and it looks just beautiful.  The tulip tree is thriving in a well maintained bed with her plaque and angel.  We left behind a cross.

We cherish all the people of McAlester who never forget us or let us feel unloved.  What a wonderful and supportive community!  We will always be connected to you.

Dear Friends:

Today is Mother’s Day.  It is my third without Cameron.  She sent flowers to the clinic on Friday that said “I’m watching you and you are making me proud.  I miss you!”  Wow!  Tuesday the 13th is her birthday.  Last year it was on Mother’s Day.  She would have been 8.  I should be planning her birthday party right now.  Instead I am planning a trip to McAlester.  I am going to take some books to area schools and pick up some books from a book drive they held in April.  I really do look forward to seeing my friends from McAlester.  I miss you all.  Though we lost our precious Cameron there, we made some wonderful friends.  The beauty of the people still shines through as you continue to remember us and Cameron.  God Bless You!

I am always more apt to post on a bad day than a good one.  Writing is therapeutic for me, but it may seem to visitors on the site that I am in desperate shape.  I appreciate all the support and positive comments from my friends, family and former patients.  It is so meaningful for me to receive messages from parents of children I helped in some small way.  I know that occasionally I helped in some large way, and I am thankful to be a part of peoples lives in that way.

Today was a good day.  I was off from work today, so I didn’t have nearly as much anxiety as usual.  I was able to get the kids to school and spend lots of time with my baby and my husband.  I rested, read books, ran errands, and took a long walk.  After dinner the whole family played outside in the finally warmer weather.  It felt normal.  It felt nice.  And I felt okay– not guilty or sad or mad or depressed.  That’s truly an accomplishment for me!

I hope that all my friends in McAlester are doing well.  I miss being there this time of year.  We had the best yard ever in McAlester.  We were kind of on a hill, and we could see across the interstate to the golf course and club house.  Everynight we had a beautiful sunset.  I can’t tell you how awesome those sunsets were.  And we had families of deer that waltzed through our yard almost everyday.  They would stop to eat the corn we left outside.  Sometimes they would stay for 15 to 30 minutes.  We often saw a couple of fawns in the early summer and we would watch them grow and change throughout the year. 

I appreciate the book drive being headed up by Mrs. Horton at Jefferson.  It’s great to know that Cameron is still thought of, missed and loved.  She was a true inspiration to so many, and with your help we can keep that flame alive.  On behalf of Cameron and all of us, I thank you!!!!

I have been trying to figure out why I am so tired.  I could sleep away the day if I had the chance, only to wake up tired again.  My brain works overtime at its job of protecting me from myself.  It is exhausting.  I realize that I constantly think around Cameron.  I grieve peripherally.  I have never had the will to submerge myself in thoughts of grief, reminders of Cameron, or simple memories.  I avoid!  I think there is a part of me that is ready to delve.  But the rest of me pushes that part of me away– far down into the depths of my soul.  And the energy required to keep it there is getting greater– harder to maintain.

Sometimes I can’t decide what I want to eat.  This is not a new problem for me or anyone.  But I want something good, something satisfying.  I can’t think of anything that will taste good enough to make me feel the way I want to feel.  There is no food, no drug, no event, no book, no words of encouragement.  There is nothing that satisfies my soul, nothing that satisfies this empty hunger inside of me.

Blah, blah, blah.  I get bored with myself and my thoughts.  I know they seem so depressing and repetitive.  I just don’t know how to change the cycle.  I am too afraid to look inside.  I circle around this shell of myself that walks around pretending to be me.  I miss me.  I miss the absence of the emptiness inside.  I am not whole.  I don’t know if I can be without her, knowing that I’ve lost her.  My precious, wonderful, angel of a girl, who left too soon!

It has been awhile since I have posted anything new on the site. I have these almost daily conversations in my head of things I’d like to say on the message board. But when I sit down to write, or sometimes just think about doing so, I feel a wave of angst come over me. Not to worry, these waves of angst are so commonplace in my life that it really isn’t odd that I would feel them when it comes to CABC’s website. I just hope that by posting here today, I’ll feel a little temporary relief from the waves.

One thing that I have tried so hard to do over the last 2 years since Cameron has died is to not fall apart. I think its okay to lose it every once in awhile, but I mean completely fall apart. I mean, I’ve got my girls to raise and I can’t exactly be a good mom if I am a total basket case! So I live my life, I try to maintain myself on a day to day basis. But every once in awhile, if I am too still, or too tired, or too happy, I will feel a jolt. A sudden re-realization that I am the mother of a beautiful, AMAZING, daughter who was ripped from my life in a horrible and inexplicable way. Then I acknowledge the thought and put it away. I’m sure there are many people on this earth who live the same way. There is something so huge and significant that has happened to them that it defines much of who they are and how they see the world. Yet to have to really feel and experience the reality of that truth is not exactly compatible with life. Energy within these people (us) is spent all day long just working on a way to make this reality bearable.

And yet you’ll see me smile and say “Hello, I’m doing fine.” You’ll see me at the park with my kids, or in line at the store, or at work day in and out. And you will not know when you see me. You will not be able to read my book by its cover. Life is easy, until it is hard. It is bearable, until the unbearable happens. It goes on each day, and then it ends abruptly.

I was reading an article recently about teenagers and resilience. It was defined as the ability to handle difficult situations without falling apart. I never wanted to find out whether or not I am resilient. I was just fine before and felt alright about myself and the life I was living. But I found out anyway that, at least up until now, I am capable of being very resilient. I just don’t know what tomorrow holds. But truth be told, if I can handle this, I can probably survive anything.

I still struggle everyday with questions to which their are no good answers. I don’t know that I would really want someone to explain to me why Cameron died. I mean an explanation that was really THE answer, and then I would just know why it happened. I’m sure that would not make me feel any better here on earth without her. I am human and my heart cannot accept this pain as rational or explicable on any level. So don’t worry about needing to have the right words to say to me. Just be by my side, you can’t fix my problems.

So what is important? Love, appreciation, being the best you can. Trying to make a difference in a positive way on some small scale everyday. Can we change the world? I don’t know. I often like to ignore things like the 6 o’clock news because of all the horrible things in this world that are reported to us so matter-of-factly every night on T.V. My favorite prayer is the serenity prayer because it reminds me that there are some things I can control and somethings I can’t. And the prayer is that God will not only help me to see the difference, but then to do something to affect the things I can affect in a positive way. So that is what I try to do. I admit I am not always good at the effort or the end result. Believe me I am not perfect!! But I am still here, and until I am gone, I will strive to live better. I will strive to touch lives in some small, positive way as I brush past them.

Cameron is always in my heart and on my mind. She holds onto me and keeps me going. Her life was a blessing and her death was a tragedy. I am a mother because of her. Now she is guiding me, teaching me about life. And –like a child, before her mother– I want to make her proud.

We are so excited about the recent requests for books from teachers and student teachers.  Many of the teachers work with poverty level students and also students who speak Spanish as their primary language.  We are happy to help these teachers out by sending books for their students.  We sent several to Grace Hill Elementary in Rogers, AR.  Walker Elementary in Springdale, AR.  and one to Perry Elementary in Oklahoma. 

Derrick has also sent books to Chidren’s House in Fayetteville as well as other shelters around the state.  We are concentrating on places where children might not otherwise have books to read.  These included Haven House in Heber Springs, AR.  Women’s Crisis Center in Jonesboro, AR. Peace Counseling Center in Conway, AR.  Little Rock Compassion Center.  Mary and Martha Center, Dequeen, AR.  Jackson House, Hot Springs, AR.  Healing Place, Pine Bluff, AR.  Women and Children First, Little Rock, AR. and Safe Passage in Melbourne, AR. 

Tomorrow, our baby girl turns one year old!  On January 31st of last year, I was at the clinic working and a heavy snow started to fall.  I went to my OB appointment around noon and according to the doctor, still had a few days to go until my baby arrived.  The due date was Feb   10th. I remember wanting to make it to February, so January could be Cameron’s month.  I came home that afternoon excited about having a baby on the 6th of Feb– the date my OB and I has settled on for induction.  Derrick and I finally committed to the name Carington.  We had picked out the middle name, Hope, almost as soon as we found out she was to be a girl. 

At 4:30 A.m. on Feb 1, my water broke.  This is exactly the time and same way my labor started with Cameron.  There was no denying it was time to go to the hospital.  I think my parents were in shock when I called them.   They drove carefully from Rogers on the snow.  Mom, Derrick and I arrived at the hospital around 6:00.  Carington was born at about 11:30 a.m.   7 lbs 15 oz, 20 3/4 inches long. 

I am sad that she will be one tomorrow.  It is causing me a lot of anxiety.  She is my baby girl.  Just like Cameron was.  Cameron was the first, Carington the last.  How do I know that she will be safe?  She has brought real joy to my life during a time that joy was stripped away from me; a time during which I thought I might not survive.  Carington is my hope. and Cameron is my inspiration.  And Kennedy and Brooklynn have given me a reason to keep going when my will to go on was otherwise missing in action.  My girls– they are all so precious to me.  I want to be the best mom to all of them.  I want them to live and prosper and contribute to this world in a positive way.

Happy Birthday, Carington Hope.  Happy February.  Good-bye to another January.  I keep holding on to the past, but the days keep rolling on.  2008 is here.  Let’s make it a year to make a difference.  It’s another chance to make Cameron proud.